I’ve thought about this odd topic more than I care to admit – I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be the first one to die in a horror movie.

Not because I’m brave, unflinching, or capable of carrying out exorcism – I just believe that a combination of paranoia and sheer luck might get me through alive somehow.

1. I Don’t Investigate Strange Noises

Look, I may be a fool, but I’m not idiotic enough to investigate if I hear a strange sound from some tenebrous corner of my house. I’m burrowing under my blankets, blasting The Beatles on my headphones, and screwing my eyes shut.

2. Paranoid by Default

If someone texts me “we need to talk”, I’m already spiralling as if I’m in a psychological thriller. So if someone’s actually out to get me? I’d be five steps ahead – planning escape routes and overanalyzing motives.

(Good luck with that, serial killers…)

3. Never Splitting up the Group

If someone suggests splitting up, I’m shoving them out into the depths of murky darkness and letting them find their own way back. Which marginally sane person would recommend tackling a terrifying entity individually when you have other friends to sacrifice stick with?

4. Not Dying of Hunger Anytime Soon

I carry snacks wherever I go – even from one room to the next. So if we have to spend a day locked up in a damp basement, I’m fully prepared.

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Would I actually survive? Probably. Unless the supernatural entity preys on unimpressive people who overthink and listen to sad playlists at night – then I’m done for.

See you later!

Yours truly,
Divi