What I Hate About Myself

What I Hate About Myself

Don’t worry, this isn’t just another dramatic spiral – it’s just a casual roast session starring… me.

There are days when I feel like I’m made entirely of loose threads – snagged, fraying, and far too visible. My imperfections seem so conspicuous that it’s easy to feel bitter even about my positive traits.

The Little Things That Bother Me More Than They Should

I have an endless list of seemingly inconsequential faults that I find in myself, but these faults, though petty, are very much real. Overthinking each text reply as if I’m part of KBC (the Indian version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?), caring too much about how I’m perceived, and a continuous, almost humorous version of the spotlight effect.

Sometimes I miss being a kid – because I vividly remember not giving a damn about anyone. I just was. I’d dance whenever I felt like it, sing at the top of my lungs, and laugh as loudly and freely as I wanted, without a second thought.

…And the Big, Hard-to-Fix Parts

  • Procrastination masked as ‘perfectionism’
  • Fear of being judged leading to failing and actually being judged (or worse, leading to inaction)
  • Imposter syndrome that feels like it’s taking up all my mental battery
  • Just… average.

The Problem With Hating Yourself

This is a vicious cycle of trying to “fix” myself instead of just accepting my faults as they are (because they sure as hell won’t be changing anytime soon).

As a person, I often use humour to deflect or cope with self-hate simmering under the surface, and it hurts even more to be hiding all that. It’s like trying to load an assortment of objects into a sack, but the objects keep piling up, and the fabric is straining, trying to break loose, it’s slipping from my fingers…

Sometimes I need to tell myself to stop. Verbally. Self-awareness isn’t meant to turn into self cruelty.

Well, I may not be a perfect puzzle piece, but I’m starting to think I wasn’t meant to fit neatly anyway. Maybe I’m more of a jagged edge – awkward in the best way, messy in all the right places, and still figuring out where I belong. And that’s okay.

Yours truly,
Divi

4 responses to “What I Hate About Myself”

  1. Fishcake Avatar
    Fishcake

    What’s wrong with being average?

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    1. Teenage Tribulations Avatar
      Teenage Tribulations

      Well, nothing really- except for people like me who have delusions of grandeur. I wasn’t born to be just another potato in the sack; I want to be the mashed, buttered, garlic-seasoned kind people write sonnets about. I guess I’m just afraid of the world forgetting me someday, of my footsteps on the world disappearing the way water sweeps away imprints in the sand (I know, you’d think a teenager would have less overdramatic thoughts)…

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      1. Fishcake Avatar
        Fishcake

        I get it. It’s hard to be average in a world that only seems to accept those who are extraordinary. We all want to be special, we all want to be recognised, we all want to be remembered. We feel all this pressure from our parents, our friends, society and honestly ourselves. Everyone’s always been telling us that we’re gonna grow up to be special, so we internalise this and we make these grand expectations of ourselves and when we’re not as good as we expected ,we’re met with the reality that we’re not special. But most people aren’t gonna be remembered or special or unique in any way. I believe instead of upholding these measures of ourselves maybe we should just accept who we are and our faults. Cus now if we fail at anything we won’t have anything to lose, no identity to protect just a new way to improve. Most people who i believe are the definition of success they don’t believe that they’re great, they usually find themselves pretty average, they have a drive to be greater than they already are and are always constantly obsessed with improvement. I think if we let go of everything we think of ourselves we find ourselves in a state of freedom from all what we thought of ourselves and now we can finally start moving and slowly and steadily we inch closer to who we thought we were and through being average we’re no longer average.

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      2. Teenage Tribulations Avatar
        Teenage Tribulations

        This message felt like that spot of sunshine that peaks through on a rainy day. I’ve been having a rough day today (or at least, pretty “average”) and reading this gave a strange sort of comfort.
        And yeah, as for success, I do also believe that it’s when you strive to learn more, an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and gradual improvement. That “state of freedom” you described so aptly- it’s the stage I hope to reach one day; a detachment from the world’s expectations and the ability to not care about society’s antediluvian notions.
        Thank you, stranger on the internet! 😀

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Teenage Tribulations

Marginalia from the teenage years.

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”
– Friedrich Nietzche