Arial

You terrify me.

Arial people have either fully transcended human insecurity or have absolutely no inner monologue whatsoever.

You open a document and immediately start working. No font changes. You probably close all your tabs once you use them, you psychopath.

You’re productive enough to:

• reply to emails on the same day
• perpetually keep your phone battery above 40%
• read instructional manuals voluntarily

There is something so dystopian about how you simply… function. I bet you remember people’s birthdays and update software as soon as the message comes, you menace to society.

Times New Roman

You don’t look pretentious – which is what makes you dangerous.

You’re overtly messy – your bag is a mess, you probably have ink smeared all over your hand, and your sleep schedule died centuries ago. But when you start speaking, you come up with things that other people would take three days to think of.

You tend to:

• reference something niche and then act surprised when people don’t know it
• have documents titled “hjdskjdfh latest version USE THIS ONE.” instead of “History Project FINAL”

Think: losing pens constantly, but remembering oddly specific sentences while destroying someone in an argument.

Comic Sans

(Side note: Don’t talk to me if this is your favourite font)

You’re a child trapped in an adult’s body.

You wake up every morning and choose violence against typography. You’re the kind of person that:

• Laughs randomly, without cause, and sometimes at inappropriate times
• Is immune to embarrassment
• Sends ‘???’ after literally 14 seconds

There’s also a 72% chance that your teachers either loved you or wanted to launch you directly into the sun.

Still, I’ll give you this: Comic Sans users are impossible to humiliate because shame simply does not stick to you.

Impact

My friend… subtlety fears you.

Your humor is either painfully unfunny or absolutely incredible. You probably peaked during a class presentation where you improvised half the slides and somehow still got full marks.

You’ve definitely:

• laughed before completing your own joke
• made memes in class instead of taking notes
• ruined at least one serious moment by saying something so stupid that people had to pause to process it

Cursive Fonts

You’re the romantic – born to yearn dramatically next to windowsills and gaze at the rain as if it owes you its first-born.

Cursive font users cannot experience emotions normally. Everything has to become “a moment”.

Your notebooks look gorgeous and completely unreadable at the same time. You always want to make life feel prettier: turning prosaic days into a piece of poetry.

Embarrassing trait to have. (Keep doing it.)

EB Garamond

Think: paperback novels, manuscripts abandoned halfway, and literary analysis.

You probably:

• care too much about sentence structure
• have fifteen unfinished manuscripts and texts
• have considered learning literary languages like Latin, Urdu, Persian, or Arabic

Your browser consists of – 3 Pinterest tabs, an “untitled document” on Google Docs, and Google rabbit-hole searches about existentialism or something else equally performative.

But beneath all the academic nonsense, you’re a genuinely thoughtful and annoyingly observant person.

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Some of you need to be studied.